Oh yeah, that trip I went on.

I started this journal entry months ago; January 11, to be exact. I realized I had not described my Disney vacation in written form on the internet, so I thought I would hammer out a quick overview. What good is a life experience if you can't write about it in exhausting detail for all your buddies to read after they tire of looking at Youtube? I soon realized that a "quick overview" of a Disney trip is not possible. I wrote out plenty of inconsequential things, got bored, and quit. I'm here again, and I'm tired of looking at this monster of a blog that is stuck in limbo as a "draft." I'm here to publish the minutia of 6-month-old vacation, whether or not you want to read about it.

So back in December, Adam and I went to Walt Disney World. Ten hours and several bedsores after leaving my house at 3 a.m. we were in sunny Orlando, about 20 minutes away from our resort, when we screwed up big time. You see, we put our trust in Mapquest--a terrible, terrible mistake on our part. A website with the word map in its name that claims to have maps to everything on the planet would seem the obvious place to go when you need a map to something. Don't be fooled. Mapquest told us there was an exit that we needed to take and we found the hard way that this exit does not exist, thus adding an extra hour and a half to our frantic search for the resort. And let me be the first to tell you, Florida's highways are not tourist friendly. That extra hour and a half cost me $6 in tolls. Seemingly every off-ramp in florida costs a buck-fitty to drive on, so if you're planning a vacation and there is a chance you might get lost, put lots of cash in your glove compartment.

Anyhow, we decided to quit using Mapquest, which had totally screwed us at this point, and just follow the big signs that say "Walt Disney World Resort." Those signs bring you right through the blindingly garish town of Kissimmee, which in my opinion is akin to premature ejaculation. Why drive (or fly) all that way just to stop at some distraction before Disney World? This is Mickey, we're talking about, this is Space Mountain. Get your carnival rides outta my face, I've got my eyes on the goal. I have to admit though, I have been to Old Town in Kissimmee, and I did (sorta) enjoy it. To my credit though, I was like 12 and I was forced to go there by all the old people I was with because they were too tired to drive to Disney in two days' time. Ok where was I? Oh yes, after getting lost again in Kissimmee, we finally made it to the All Star Music Resort. Maneuvering into the parking lot was somewhat tricky and almost got us hit by a bus but we made it in one piece to guest parking, where we then had to tango again with two lanes of bus traffic to get to the lobby. By this hour of the day we were exhausted, sweaty, and bedraggled, and wanted nothing more than to drag ourselves into a room and sleep. But, the line in the lobby was long and each guest being waited on had some complicated, lengthy complaint or situation which took forever to solve. We stood in line for 30 minutes listening to the most annoying Spike Jones Christmas songs being played on the loudspeaker over and over again. The lobby was decorated with all kinds of Christmas regalia, but behind the desk where the employees work, there was one sad little menorah that looked terribly out of place. It wasn't even a normal sized one...it was really tiny and it had no candles. It was the only thing on the table in the back, so it kind of looked like it got thrown there after someone didn't know what to do with it. Even though I'm not Jewish, I think it would be more enraging to see a half assed nod to my holiday tradition than none at all. Come to think of it, I really didn't notice any type of Hannukah decorations whatsoever...and that's saying alot because there was even a Kwanzaa celebration at the American Adventure pavillion in Epcot. Whatever...I guess those rumors about Walt being a Nazi sympathizer are true.

We were assigned to the Rock n Roll section and after walking waaaay to the back of the compound, we found that our building looked like something from a John Waters nightmare. Bright pink and baby blue stucco is the first thing I always associate with Rock n Roll. The room was a standard motel type room, except the TV only caught ABC and the Disney Channel. It ruined my plan of watching back-to-back episodes of Rosanne on Nick at Night all week, but the Mickey-shaped towel arrangement and fresh Mickey soaps and shampoos left behind everyday by housekeeping more than made up for that.

Oh, did I mention that at this time both and Adam and I were suffering from a severe cold/flu virus that turned us into walking, talking mucous fountains and caused us to run fever? Yeah, that. We're sick, exhausted and ready to crash in bed. Just as I start to doze off, the family next to us busted into their room and kicked off an all-night shouting match that prevented me from getting any rest. I was jarred awake countless times by the screaming of a toddler, and at midnight, the little brat screams,"I MADE POO-POO, I MADE POO!!!" I was really annoyed and said "I don't give a FUCK! SHUT UP!" I didn't think they could hear me in the next room, but they might have because after that things settled down. I woke up the next day and toured the Magic Kingdom, tired as shit with a terrible headache. (Tomorrow Land smells funny.)

I'm tired of writing about trivialities, but to write about the experience in the park would take too long for my attention span and yours alike. I think it's something everyone should experience at least once in life, including the high prices and minor aggrevations that come along with it. In the end, spending all that cash is worth it. At least for me. I will say that we went during the off-season before Christmas and I highly recommend it. We were able to walk straight on most of the rides with no wait, and the lines we did have to wait in were minimal. There were plenty of Japanese folks, which made people-watching enjoyable and the weather was pretty warm. Fifty percent of overheard conversations were not in English, or in any language I had ever heard before, which was interesting.

Now with that out of the way, I can present to you the Ballad of Jesse and Brenda.

One night we had found a spot by the lake in Epcot so we could watch the fireworks show. This man, his wife and son settled beside us to film and watch the show. The dad looked like a greasy pornographer. He held a camera that looked to be about 15 years old and was taping everything in sight. He taped his son, whose name is Jessie (I know this because he had mouse-ears with "Jessie" embroidered in sloppy cursive) acting silly and being obnoxious. The very frazzled and wrinkled wife stood a good ways behind sucking her cigarette for dear life (smoking is not allowed in the park). Her eyes never blinked. The dad stopped filming Jessie for a second, turned around and pointed the camera at the mom. "Give us a smile, Brenda!" She never quit dragging on the cigarette and her face never changed. Her eyes were so wide and unblinking that you could see the white above her irises. Fireworks show starts and all throughout the thing, Jessie is standing on the rail flailing his arms while the dad says "Good, Jessie, keep conducting the orchestra. Keep moving, Jesse. Bring up the fireworks!" What amazed me about it was this kid looked to be about 10 or 11--way too old to do embarrassing shit like that. I concluded that he was mildly retarded. This performance continued throughout the whole show. I couldn't even hear the Christmas song over the dad's talking. After the show was over, we walked with the other cattle to the exit. About 15 minutes later, still stuck in a human clog before the gates, I see Jessie and his dad running around the gift shops screaming "BRENDA!!!" I guess she bailed on them. Can't say I blame her.

Oh yes, and being herded like cattle several times in the parks has taught me that people LOVE to fart in public.

That's pretty much my experience at Disney, besides all the rides and crap. Those were fun. We might go back again this year, and I hope this time we can save our pennies and afford a hotel with slightly thicker walls.